7am

7am is the time I will set my alarm to wake up tomorrow. 7am is the time that I will come to know the harsh truth of morning. I won't want to wake up, I'll groan, I'll hit snooze, I'll pity myself... until.... the panic. This is when I realize that I've snoozed for 30 minutes and must rush to finish getting ready.

But then (a couple hours later), I'll find myself worshiping with a group of community-- my family-- my church. And somehow, the torture of waking up early to drive to Montgomery, Texas is worth it.

"Do you know how close two people can feel when the round horizon seems so distant and burns so beautiful?"

I was at It's a Grind reading and had to leave... why? Because there was a elderly couple sitting at a table next to me. The woman was old, frail, and seemed like maybe her age hadn't been as good to her as the man's. He got her situated at the small table for two and went to order for them. The order came back as two frozen drinks with whipped cream and a piece of cake for them to share.

This really helped cement what I had been reading, As For Me & My House, by Walter Wangerin Jr. What is marriage? What is the heart of God for marriage?

"Thanne merely whispers, 'Wally? Wally?' And like Abraham when the Lord had called to him, like Samuel running to Eli in a Shiloh of darkness, my soul responds with the thrilling knowledge, and the whole sentence: Here I am. I touch the woman's shoulder with my own. It is enough. She had nothing to say but my name. I had nothing else to do, but to be."

"For Adam has found another being so much like him that she is, in fact, of him. And finding her, who has he found? Why, himself!"

I'm standing at the precipice of singlehood and marriage. It's the path that I'm on and I'm excited and anxious. Permanence. Will I like it? Will I not?

Quo vadis? "Where are you going?"

Tecum, Domine. "With you, dear Lord."

I yearn to be a godly wife to Colin. To be as close to this holy image of God that I have the opportunity to live out. I will mess up, I'll fail the relationship... but I love Colin and I love God. He is going ahead of me.

I had to drop my engagement ring off to get resized... I can't wait to get that thing back on my finger. I love Colin, I can't wait to be married. To be one, "bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh..."

131 Days Left

Wisdom Teeth

I got my wisdom teeth out yesterday (and so did my brother!). The doctors were so caring and sweet, they even wrapped me up in a comfy fleece blanket before the procedure... God knew I'd need them!

I started crying as soon as I left the waiting room, and kept crying despite the "laughing gas." It took a little edge off and the IV was not as bad as I thought it would be. I didn't count down from 100 and I woke up really confused-- I even think I was wimpering.

I've watched many chick-flicks, had pain medicine, and even enjoyed a special treat of a chocolate milk shake from Coldstone from Morgan. I've been desperately icing my face to prevent swelling and am ready to recover. I need to also add that I have the best mom in the world, she has been absolutely awesome!

I Get It

The church is the bride of Christ. This isn't new information. It's something that I thought I really "got." As a woman this is a concept (bride) that I've been fixated on since I was a little girl.

I tried my wedding dress on this weekend. Probably 5 times or so, to be exact. I can't wait for it to be January 2nd so I can carefully ready myself for that walk down the aisle. I am so excited about being beautiful, for myself and for Colin. On your wedding day you want to be the best version of yourself you can be! Without giving it away, my dress is white like snow and glitters in the right places. It's flattering to MY figure, and I don't desire to be a size smaller or bigger.

Today I understand a little more what it means to be ready. I want to be pure when I marry Colin. The best version of myself. I want to be close to Jesus because marriage is hard and I'm selfish. I know I need Jesus to be strong and complete when entering into marriage.

But more than that... I understand more what it means to be ready for Jesus coming back. I want my life to be clothing of dignity. I want my heart to be white like snow. I guess I'm a slow learner because it took my trying on a wedding dress 7 times before I listened to that whisper that said "this is what it's like." I know my thoughts are all over the place... it might not make a lot of sense. Or maybe it's remarkable it took me this long to finally get it. Either way, I'm thankful that God speaks to me and is using my relationship with Colin to teach me about himself. I know this isn't an overnight process but rather a mix of steps (just like my wedding)--day by day adorning myself with goodness and the things of God.

I get it!

Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready. Revelation 19:7

Good People

God's given me such joy through the community at Fellowship of Montgomery! What an amazing family with such excitement for growth. I'm glad Colin felt led to be on staff there. I know that Jesus is walking with us through this awesome season of fellowship with these precious people, how refreshing. I am especially thankful for the staff that have made us feel so at home. Dale, Kim, Brian, and Maridee are the real thing and it's fun to make new friends! I have felt so discouraged in finding a church but God always provides for me! He is so faithful.

PS. Colin and I are getting married in 200 days! He brought me the sweetest little bouquet of yellow flowers today... I love him.

The Way I See It #76

"The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating-- in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational histation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life."

--Anne Morriss
Starbucks customer from New York City. She describes herself as an "organization builder, restless American citizen, optimist."